Managing Anger within Intimate Relationships (families, friends, and within Christian community)

I. FUNDAMENTAL ASSUMPTIONS

Assumption 1: There is a difference between anger and aggression.

Anger is the emotional response to threat or other negative stimulus.

Aggression is the destructive words or actions that flow from that emotional response.

Anger is not sinful

In many cases, aggression is sinful

Assumption 2: Anger and “blame” have to be untangled.
· Blame is about “who was bad?” (me or you). The only choices when contemplating blame is the Rejection of self or Rejectin of the other
· Anger is about threat and the threat does not always come from a “bad person”
Note: Sometimes the other person IS bad ( a thief , some one with INTENT to harm)
· Most of the time in our intimate relationships, the intent is closeness – not harm.
· We have to be very careful about the place of “get back” when untangling anger and blame
o “Get back” never helps relationships
o If “get back” is often present in your relationship, you need to invite God to help you work with this issue – and perhaps some outside person. “Get back” is damaging. Always.
o Sometimes we can misunderstand and think that something is “get back” when it is not. That usually happens when one of you came from a home where “get back” was a part of the family system. // Then it is very easy to see it when it isn’t there – because you are hurt it becomes very easy to believe the other INTENDED to hurt you.
o “Get back” is definitely inconsistent with the Christian message of Grace – from God and for each other.
Bottom line: When you are in an intimate relationship, it is important that all parties commit to the goal of loving and understanding one another – and to promise to ask God to help u remove any element of “get back” that is in the relationship. It may also be important for some of us to ask God to help us “believe” our partners’ promise that they are not intentionally trying to hurt us.



Assumption 3: Anger is about threat … threat of harm that may be physical, but is as likely to be threat to self-esteem, sense of integrity, reputation or other less tangible “goods”
· Analogy to “running a fever:” The fever is the symptom, not the disease. It is a marker to tell you that you are sick.
· When you understand the threat that makes you angry, you can understand more about how you are vulnerable – a place where you can invite God for self- awareness and healing.
· Sometimes sharing where you felt threatened with another person can help build closeness (in the best of all worlds, this happens in our closest relationships)
· Whether you can share it or not, whether you can share it with the other person or not, confessing it before God and asking for His strength, healing and leadership will be healing

Assumption 4: There is a difference between the “trigger” and the “cause.”
The trigger is external. The cause, the place where the threat is perceived, is internal. Example: My spouse comments on my spending habits. This comment. is the trigger. However, the cause of my sense of threat is my perception that this comment threatens my competence.


Assumption 5: When we have insight into the cause, the place where we feel threatened, we have the possiblitiy of healing:
· we are closer to reducing the number of times we experience the emotion of anger
· and increasing our effectiveness in relating to those with whom we are often angry.

II. Steps for anger management

Know you are mad.
The sooner you know you are mad, the sooner you can begin to work on it
If it is cold anger, you may need to sleep on it, write about it, or pray about it to figure it out.
If it is hot anger, Expend the energy! Take a “time out” to get back in control
Ask God’s help in understanding what feels threatened right now
Problem-solve on the underlying threat: devise strategies for dealing with those threats by either internal adjustments and/or problem solving with the source of the trigger.
Problem solving may or may not involve talking with the person whose behavior triggered the anger
· If the goal is intimacy, you are probably going to share what you discovered about yourself – and it can lead to further closeness in the relationship
· If the goal is to work together, it may involve a much less personal sharing and some negotiation about changes that have to take place.
· In some instances, it may be that talking to the other is pointless – if it is going to get you hit, hurt, damaged, it is a pure waste of energy./ You may be powerless with that person – but you can still take that problem to God and find a new power in your relationship with Him that will help you find a way to heal.

Questions for reflection:

1. Consider the “Fundamental Assumptions”. Is there one that surprises you or that you may want think about? What are your own assumptions about anger?

2. Think about the concept of “blame”.
a. Are you more likely to blame the other person – or to blame yourself?
b. How can we move from focusing on “who is the bad guy?” to “what do I need right now?”
c. How does our understanding of God’s Grace fit into this picture?

3. Look at the steps for anger management. Which of the steps are hardest for you? Which are easiest? How could talking to God about it help you with this process?

4. What is the one thing with which you most need God’s help in your own journey of understanding and handling anger?

Anger and Stress

Today’s lesson focuses on the stress that clouds our lives when we are angry. I am going to handle this lesson like a radio talk show. Are you familiar with the artifact? An expert is invited into the studio and he or she comes prepared to drone on and on about the area of expertise. However, what the expert really wants is for someone to phone it … with a question … or a comment or example of their own. So today, I am going to masquerade as an expert on anger, prepared to drone on and on, but I will pause periodically for interruptions And by the way, we do have an anger expert with us. Claire has taught on anger many times and had she been in town this week she would have been teaching this lesson. In her absence, I will pretend … but she will help respond to comments.


A Didactic on Anger: So here we go, I will be following the lesson materials closely … and one of the resources that the lesson materials use is the writings of Gary Chapman, the man who did the “Five Languages of Love” video.

Major Point 1: There is nothing sinful about experiencing anger. Indeed, at its root, anger is merely a physiological response to external or internal events in our lives. As when we are afraid, when we are angry our blood pressure goes up, we have available extra amounts of adrenalin and other hormones, and our heart rate increases. For this reason, people who are angry a lot experience a very real physical stress.

Major Point 2: More important than the anger response is the trigger that led us to the anger response. Sometimes the trigger is an internal event. As you worry and brood about your problems, you may attach a meaning to them that makes you angry. For example, as you try to balance your check book, you may get angry at your boss who does not pay you enough or get mad at your spouse who spends too much. More often, however, the trigger event is something external. The actions of the driver in the lane next to you or the comments of a co-worker can set off the anger response. Indeed, the thing that triggers the anger may often be the meaning we attach to the driver’s poor driving or the coworker’s comment.
Common meanings that trigger anger:
We have been rejected … someone we value has been rejected
We have been manipulated … someone we value has been manipulated
We have been ignored
Our character has been impugned
Our rights have been violated
We have been dishonored
Dr. Gary Chapman believes that the most common triggers are connected to injustice, “I have been done wrong.”

Pause for call in:

Major Point 3: Once we realize that anger itself is not sinful, we are able to focus on the most destructive aspects of anger, how we act it out in our life. Chapman suggests that the two main unhealthy/ungodly/sinful ways of expressing anger are two opposite ends of a continuum. On one end, aggressively expressing anger. On the other end passively withholding anger. Chapman calls these explosive anger and implosive anger.

Major Point 4: Implosive anger (anger that is submerged or withheld) is based on a denial of the reality of anger. Common phrases that accompany this approach to anger are: “I am not angry, I am just frustrated.” “I am not mad, I am just disappointed.” [Note from Ed: As someone who uses these phrases occasionally … I feel a need to defend them a bit. Sometimes when I use them it means that I am feeling something like anger ... similar physiological response, but do not yet have a good grip on its meaning. Other times I may know “why” I am angry but I am not sure that it is a very worthy reason for being angry.]
Chapman suggests the following negative consequences for Implosive Anger
Passive-aggressive behavior [getting back at people indirectly without telling them why, rather than confronting them head on]
Displacement of anger onto someone else
Stress … stress … stress
Development of resentment, bitterness, and hatred
Potential for delayed explosion “This is the third time you have done that this week and I am sick and tired of it.”
One of the real problems with implosive anger is that it tends to linger … extending the physical stress … and damaging relationships. Paul is speaking of this when he says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Pause for call in

Major Point 6: At the other end of the continuum is what Chapman calls Explosive anger … uncontrolled fury that may manifest itself in verbal attacks involving screaming, cursing, sarcasm, humiliation, or threats. Explosive anger can seriously damage relationships, and, if it rises to violence, seriously damage other people or property. Exploders sometimes minimize their behavior by blaming it on their victims and/or calling it “getting something off my chest” or “blowing off a little steam.”

Call in … did any of the scriptures you read initially treat address this behavior.

Major Point 7: If both implosive anger and explosive anger are destructive, you might expect that the curriculum recommends something in-between as the desirable way to respond to the physiological experience of feeling angry. They recommend what they call “assertive anger.” I will not attempt to define this carefully but it has these characteristics:
· It is not hidden but expressed
· It is not expressed in a fury
· It is mindful of both the content of the anger (the trigger of the anger) and the relationship
· It attempts to constructively engage with the “reason” why the anger occurred, while at the same time building bridges to the person at whom the anger is directed.
· It is possible to do one without the other … couples may get mad at one another over and over about the same thing … but move pass the anger and make up. However, the trigger is never addressed.
· We may discuss and resolve the problem but remain aloof from the person with whom the problem was experiences. This often happens in the work environment.


Where does stress enter the picture:
Stress builds if you are angry a lot … so finding ways to reduce the number of things that trigger anger is a good strategy
Stress builds if you hold in your anger or if you explode … so learning to manage anger is important to reduce stress.