I. FUNDAMENTAL ASSUMPTIONS
Assumption 1: There is a difference between anger and aggression.
Anger is the emotional response to threat or other negative stimulus.
Aggression is the destructive words or actions that flow from that emotional response.
Anger is not sinful
In many cases, aggression is sinful
Assumption 2: Anger and “blame” have to be untangled.
· Blame is about “who was bad?” (me or you). The only choices when contemplating blame is the Rejection of self or Rejectin of the other
· Anger is about threat and the threat does not always come from a “bad person”
Note: Sometimes the other person IS bad ( a thief , some one with INTENT to harm)
· Most of the time in our intimate relationships, the intent is closeness – not harm.
· We have to be very careful about the place of “get back” when untangling anger and blame
o “Get back” never helps relationships
o If “get back” is often present in your relationship, you need to invite God to help you work with this issue – and perhaps some outside person. “Get back” is damaging. Always.
o Sometimes we can misunderstand and think that something is “get back” when it is not. That usually happens when one of you came from a home where “get back” was a part of the family system. // Then it is very easy to see it when it isn’t there – because you are hurt it becomes very easy to believe the other INTENDED to hurt you.
o “Get back” is definitely inconsistent with the Christian message of Grace – from God and for each other.
Bottom line: When you are in an intimate relationship, it is important that all parties commit to the goal of loving and understanding one another – and to promise to ask God to help u remove any element of “get back” that is in the relationship. It may also be important for some of us to ask God to help us “believe” our partners’ promise that they are not intentionally trying to hurt us.
Assumption 3: Anger is about threat … threat of harm that may be physical, but is as likely to be threat to self-esteem, sense of integrity, reputation or other less tangible “goods”
· Analogy to “running a fever:” The fever is the symptom, not the disease. It is a marker to tell you that you are sick.
· When you understand the threat that makes you angry, you can understand more about how you are vulnerable – a place where you can invite God for self- awareness and healing.
· Sometimes sharing where you felt threatened with another person can help build closeness (in the best of all worlds, this happens in our closest relationships)
· Whether you can share it or not, whether you can share it with the other person or not, confessing it before God and asking for His strength, healing and leadership will be healing
Assumption 4: There is a difference between the “trigger” and the “cause.”
The trigger is external. The cause, the place where the threat is perceived, is internal. Example: My spouse comments on my spending habits. This comment. is the trigger. However, the cause of my sense of threat is my perception that this comment threatens my competence.
Assumption 5: When we have insight into the cause, the place where we feel threatened, we have the possiblitiy of healing:
· we are closer to reducing the number of times we experience the emotion of anger
· and increasing our effectiveness in relating to those with whom we are often angry.
II. Steps for anger management
Know you are mad.
The sooner you know you are mad, the sooner you can begin to work on it
If it is cold anger, you may need to sleep on it, write about it, or pray about it to figure it out.
If it is hot anger, Expend the energy! Take a “time out” to get back in control
Ask God’s help in understanding what feels threatened right now
Problem-solve on the underlying threat: devise strategies for dealing with those threats by either internal adjustments and/or problem solving with the source of the trigger.
Problem solving may or may not involve talking with the person whose behavior triggered the anger
· If the goal is intimacy, you are probably going to share what you discovered about yourself – and it can lead to further closeness in the relationship
· If the goal is to work together, it may involve a much less personal sharing and some negotiation about changes that have to take place.
· In some instances, it may be that talking to the other is pointless – if it is going to get you hit, hurt, damaged, it is a pure waste of energy./ You may be powerless with that person – but you can still take that problem to God and find a new power in your relationship with Him that will help you find a way to heal.
Questions for reflection:
1. Consider the “Fundamental Assumptions”. Is there one that surprises you or that you may want think about? What are your own assumptions about anger?
2. Think about the concept of “blame”.
a. Are you more likely to blame the other person – or to blame yourself?
b. How can we move from focusing on “who is the bad guy?” to “what do I need right now?”
c. How does our understanding of God’s Grace fit into this picture?
3. Look at the steps for anger management. Which of the steps are hardest for you? Which are easiest? How could talking to God about it help you with this process?
4. What is the one thing with which you most need God’s help in your own journey of understanding and handling anger?
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