Lesson 1 on Relationships, September 9

This week’s lesson consisted of two segments and was built around a video produced by Dr. Gary Chapman entitled “The Five Languages of Love.” The first piece was viewed and discussed at an event of the Family and Friends Class that took place at the home of Ed and Claire on Saturday evening. The second piece was viewed and discussed on the following Sunday morning.


Segment 1: The Five Languages of Love
Summary of Chapman’s Ideas:
o Each of us desires to experience love in our closest relationships.
o Many times, despite the best intentions of our partner, we do not experience love even when the partner is offering it.
o The problem is that the partner may be “speaking love” in a language we do not expect or cannot “understand.”
o Chapman identifies five languages of love:
o Words that affirm and build up
o Gifts
o Acts of service
o Quality time
o Physical touch
o He suggests that each of us has a primary language of love, through which we best understand love that is “spoken to us.”
o If we desire a healthy relationship we must commit to seeking our partner’s language and learning to communicate love using that language.
o The fact that our partner’s language is “not natural” to us is no excuse. Love is a matter of the will.

Claire’s summary of Chapman’s Idea: In a healthy relationship each partner takes responsibility for providing nurture to the other.

Segment 2: In this segment, Chapman suggests that our culture’s preoccupation with “falling in love” produces marriages that are programmed to fail unless the participants in the marriage actively work to replace the “tingle” of falling in love with something more significant and lasting.

Summary of Chapman’s ideas.

o Most relationships in our culture begin with an intense and exciting period in which the two persons involved become obsessed with one another.
o In this period we engage in irrational thinking
o We feel as if we know the person very well and experience an enhanced sense of intimacy
o We are blind to the differences between us
o We think of our partner as perfect
o We believe we will never be happy without the other
o If this thinking persists into the marriage relationship … and it often does … it means that we potentially face disillusionment when the obsession fades and reality sets in.
o We become aware of differences
o The emotional intensity subsides
o Conflicts emerge and we react to conflict by fights or withdrawal
o We no longer feel loved within our marriage relationships
o At this point we are especially vulnerable to “falling in love” with some stranger about whom we know little, but who creates a “tingle.” Something as minor as a chance encounter at the coffee pot at work can start the cycle again.
o Two answers:
o Short run: stop going to coffee pot
o Long run: learn the love language of your spouse and fill him or her with love … so that the spouse will be strong enough to reciprocate and you can work through problems rather than withdrawing or fighting
o We will not return to the obsessive stage, BUT we will experience warm, emotional love for one another.

Important Note: If there is someone who was not able to participate in this weekend’s work, but would like to view the video in their home, Claire would be glad to load the video tape to you.

There are also upcoming seminars for "The Five Love Languages" in Columbus, GA and Florida during the Spring 2008.

Next Week: Claire will discuss some research-based strategies that facilitate problem solving in relationships and reduce conflict and withdrawal.

Thank you Anna, Devin and Rachel for joining us in class this Sunday. We do look forward to seeing you again.