"The Five Love Languages" Part 3

This is Claire’s final lesson on growing healthy relationships. In view of some of the conversation that resulted from the two lessons on Chapman’s Five Love Languages, she decided to talk a bit about problems solving. When a family reaches the child-bearing years, the need for problem solving moves front and center. Suddenly there are avalanches of problems that must be solved as a family rather than as individuals, and this avalanche can sometimes threaten a family’s health. Claire organized her discussion in three sections.

Chapter 1: Problem Solving as a Method

In the early 1960 a University of North Carolina psychologist named Neil Jacobson decided to use problem solving strategies that had been developed at IBM for corporate problem solving as an intervention with couples who were experiencing distress. In the resulting study, couples who were counseled with this strategy quite often reported much improved satisfaction with their marriage. Below are the guidelines that Jacobson taught the couples:
GUIDELINES FOR PROLEM-SOLVING

I. Clearly and specifically state the problem.
a. Phrase the problem in terms of behaviors which are currently occurring or not occurring
b. Break large, complex problems, down into several smaller problems and deal with them one at a time.
c. Make sure both people agree on the statement of the problem and are willing to discuss it.
II. Discuss possible solutions.
a. Stay solution-oriented
b. Your goal is not to defend yourself, decide who was right or wrong, or establish the truth of what happened in the past – your goal is to decide how to do things differently in the future.
III. Decide on a solution that is agreeable to both of you.
a. Do not accept a solution on which you do not intend to follow through.
b. Do not accept a solution which you believe will make you angry or resentful.
c. If you cannot find a solution which greatly pleases both partners, suggest a compromise solution.
d. State your solution in clear, specific, behavioral terms: what each of you are going to do and not do.
IV. Decide on a trial period to implement the solution.

As the couple worked through the process they were asked to keep the following diary:
Problem-solving diary
1) Statement of the problem:
2) Agreed upon solution
3) Trial period:
4) Re-evaluation date:


Re-Evaluation

1) What is working well about the solution?
2) What is not working well about the solution?
3) Agreed upon amended solution?
4) Trial date for the amended solution?


Chapter 2: Difficulties with implementing problem solving

After the class had reviewed the method, Claire asked what class members perceived would be the difficulties in implementing Jacobson’s strategies. Why is this not an automatic solution to all problem solving issues in a relationship? In the ensuing conversation class members observed and Claire confirmed these reasons why this technique is not automatic and, in fact, takes a great deal of effort to make work:
o We often recognize a problem only after a crisis has occurred. At that time we are often angry, exasperated, and rushed. [Claire recommended that we not try to problem solve in the heat of the moment, but rather make a date to discuss the problem and possible solutions in a more neutral moment.]
o We may feel defensive as we enter the conversation.
o For reasons of pride, one partner may feel the need to establish that he or she is right before conversation about a future solution.
o One partner may feel he or she already “knows” the solution rather than working together to arrive at one of several possible solutions that both members of the problem solving team can commit to.
o We may come to problem solving with several destructive preconceptions:
i. Before we move to the future we must determine blame for the past
ii. Before we solve the current problem, we must review past failures

Chapter 3: The Strengths that Christians bring to Problems Solving

Claire went on to observe that in her many years of working with distressed couples and stressful relationships between adolescents and parents that those who start from the point of view of the Christian faith are able to use the problem solving process much more effectively than others. She then asked what strengths the Christian faith brings to such a process.

The class offered and Claire confirmed these strengths.
o The high value that Christians place on forgiveness.
o The fact that we derive our ultimate value not from our partner’s love for us but from God’s love for us. In times of stress with partner, we can derive the necessary strength from God’s love to do the hard work problem solving entails.
o The Biblical understanding that within a Christian relationship we are to nurture one another. This creates momentum that leads us to try to make problem solving experiments work.
o In particular, the Christian understanding that partners submit to one another in love is a marked contrast to our society’s belief that above all things, an individual must protect his or her “rights.”